


Gone and I Want You Back

by carryaworld



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, I hurt myself a little with this, M/M, Post Season 4, So much angst, it'll get there I promise, mostly canon compliant? ish?, pining shiro, shiro suffers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 04:43:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carryaworld/pseuds/carryaworld
Summary: Kolivan brings bad news that sends Shiro on a downward spiral. How can he live in a world without Keith?





	Gone and I Want You Back

**Author's Note:**

> title from Leave Like That by SYML because I am obsesssedddd. This is just... me writing angst for fun that turned into a monster. Suffer with me?

 

Kolivan stared at the screens for a long moment, processing what his second had just relayed to him. He’d known there was a risk in sending Keith on his first deep cover mission, but he hadn’t realized how much the half-human had grown on him. Kolivan suppressed a sigh and cleared his throat. 

 

“Open a hail to the castle of lions,” he directed, and prepared himself for the inevitable fallout. 

 

***

 

Allura frowned as a hail popped up on her screen. “Were we expecting to speak to the Blades?” she asked Shiro over her shoulder. 

 

He shook his head, and she accepted it, the other paladins falling in beside her as Kolivan’s stern face filled the screen. Shiro got the uneasy feeling that Kolivan looked even sterner than usual. 

 

“Paladins of Voltron,” Kolivan began, and Pidge and Lance exchanged confused glances. “It is my unhappy duty to notify you of the death of Blade Keith.”

 

Shiro’s stomach bottomed out and he gaped up at Kolivan. “No, that’s not possible.” 

 

At his side, Pidge made a choked noise. The rest of the paladins looked stunned, and Coran furiously twisted his mustache. 

 

Kolivan’s expression was pitying as he focused on Shiro. “I’m sorry. He was on a deep cover mission. There is no body, but if you plan to have a memorial rite, please notify us so we can pay our respects as well.” 

 

Shiro was shaking his head. He refused to believe that Keith was gone; the words wouldn’t compute in his mind. 

 

Allura found her voice, though it was unsteady. “Thank you, Kolivan. We’ll be in touch.”

 

Kolivan dipped his head, and the line closed. Allura sagged against the command console, her shoulders slumping inward. Hunk gently hugged Pidge, who shook with the sobs she tried to hide. Lance looked as if the rug had been yanked out from under him, lost and unsure. 

 

Shiro… Shiro was spiraling. He’d known Keith far longer than the rest of them, since before this whole mess in space. Keith was his best friend, and sometimes, Shiro thought, he was more than that. But the last time he’d seen Keith, he let him walk away. It’d been months since they’d seen the former red paladin. Once Keith was forced to choose, he threw himself fully into the Blades. They’d let him do it, too. The team was disgruntled that Keith had chosen the Blades over them, and Shiro had been frustrated that Keith wouldn’t settle into leadership. 

 

All the team could think of was that they’d let him go. And now, he was gone. There was no chance to bring him back into their family. Death was more permanent than being missing, unlike Shiro’s two absences. 

 

Shiro strode off the bridge and down to the training deck before anyone could call him back. He ran the training simulation and hacked through bots until his legs shook with the effort of staying upright. The rest of the team stayed away, probably coping with the loss in their own ways, so there were no witnesses when Shiro crumpled to the floor. No one saw his shame as he sobbed into the silence. 

 

*** 

 

Pidge hunched furiously over her latest project, only to give a frustrated screech and hurtle her screwdriver across the room. Hunk, who was working a few feet to her left, went still. 

 

“Pidge…” he began gently. 

 

“Don’t!” she hissed. “Just don’t, Hunk.” 

 

She set her things down and stalked out of the room, clenching her trembling hands into fists at her sides. How had they thought he was okay with the Blades? After the stunt with the shield at Naxela, they should have made him come back. Come home. But no, they were prideful. Keith had chosen the Blades over them, and they’d resented it despite saying otherwise.

 

She needed Matt, to have his familiar voice soothe the jagged edges of loss. Pidge darted down the hallway to her room so that she could open a private call to him. She tried to clean her face off while she waited for him to answer, shamelessly wiping her nose on her sleeve. Matt’s cheerful face popped onto the screen, a careless grin on his face. 

 

“Sister mine! What--” he stopped, leaning in closer as he took in her puffy eyes. “Katie what’s wrong?” he asked kindly. 

 

Pidge swallowed around the lump in her throat. “Keith… Keith is dead.” 

 

Matt’s face went through several expressions before it settled on grief, the worry lines marking his skin didn’t belong on someone his age. He rubbed a hand over his face, but not before Pidge caught the watery gleam in his eyes. 

 

“I know he was your friend too,” Pidge whispered, and Matt looked bleakly at her. 

 

“How… how is Shiro?” he asked, trying to gather himself up. 

 

“I don’t know, no one has seen him in hours,” Pidge admitted. They were too afraid to try and approach Shiro in his heartbreak. That had always been something they left to Keith. Keith, who always knew what Shiro needed and when. Who wasn’t afraid of the ugly truths that Shiro tried to shield the team from. 

 

Matt’s frown deepened. “I’m going to talk to the general, and as soon as I can get a shuttle, I’ll be there.” 

 

Pidge made no effort to hide her relief. Having Matt around would make things easier. 

 

“Katie, I need you to do something for me,” Matt said seriously. 

 

Pidge worried her lower lip between her teeth and nodded. 

 

“Go find Shiro, please. Keith is… was the most important person in his life, regardless of how things have been lately.” Matt hid his face in his hands for a moment. “Those stupid idiots loved each other,” he groaned under his breath, and felt like crying. 

 

Pidge closed her eyes for a long moment, and when she reopened them, Matt had regained his composure. “I’ll go do that now. Get here soon, Matt,” she whispered. 

 

“I will,” Matt promised, and ended the call. 

 

Pidge sat there for several minutes before she had the strength to get up and go find Shiro. 

 

***

 

Shiro pressed his back against the far wall of the training deck and put his head between his knees as he tried to remember how to breathe. Quiet footsteps sounded across the floor but he didn’t look up. For half a second he dared think it was Keith. Keith was the only one who sought him out here. The illusion shattered as a small form pressed against his side. Pidge. 

 

She didn’t say anything, just leaned into his side as he fought to even out his breathing. Shiro accepted her warmth and her quiet offer of companionship. When he found the will to pick his head up, Pidge was staring into space, her eyes red and puffy behind her glasses. Shiro set his jaw against the headache that pounded in his skull and lifted his arm so that Pidge could tuck herself under it. 

 

“I’m sorry Shiro,” she whispered hoarsely, sounding for all the world like she was choking back tears. 

 

He tightened his arm around her, and forced down the lump in his throat that was threatening to strangle him.

 

“I’m okay Pidge,” he tried to reassure her. “How are you doing?” 

 

Pidge angled her head and narrowed her eyes at him. “You’re not fooling me, Shiro,” she said gruffly. 

 

He blinked at her, eyes aching, and pretended not to understand what she was talking about. Pidge pinched his side, her frown working itself into a glower. Shiro flinched but Pidge held fast. 

 

“I  _ know _ Shiro, I know he meant something to you, don’t just shut down!” Pidge urged. “If you don’t want to talk to me about it, that’s okay. Matt will be here as soon as he can get a shuttle.”

 

Shiro shut his eyes so that he wouldn’t have to look into Pidge’s passionate brown ones. “Matt is coming?” he mumbled, still trying to evade this conversation. 

 

“Yeah,” she replied quietly. “I talked to him not long ago.”

 

Shiro counted to ten and opened his eyes. “Thank you, Pidge. I’m going to go take a walk, try and get some rest?”    
  


It was a clear dismissal, and Pidge sighed. She leaned into him a moment longer and then climbed to her feet. Shiro waited until she left the room before he got up himself. He paced the halls until his vision blurred, and only then did he collapse into his bed. Sleep was neither restful nor easy. 

 

***

 

It stunned Shiro that life went on. Matt’s arrival was delayed as he was needed in another quadrant, but the rest of the team kept on functioning. Things went on: they went to diplomatic meetings, and formed Voltron. 

 

Shiro was numb. 

 

The rest of the team had gotten used to Keith’s absence; and it made the impact of his death less powerful. Shiro though, had never stopped noticing. It had cut him at every turn. 

 

Now he felt it more strongly. The missing hand on his shoulder, Keith’s quiet advice, a sparring partner in the dead of night. 

 

They were in the middle of a diplomatic meeting the first time Shiro lost himself in a memory. The day Keith had left for the Blades permanently, Shiro followed him down to his quarters after Keith said his goodbyes to the team. 

 

_ “Are you sure this is what you want to do Keith? The team really does need you,” Shiro said, leaning casually in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest.  _

 

_ Keith didn’t look up from where he was packing his scant belongings. “I’ll be most useful with the Blades, Shiro. The team has you, they don’t need me. Allura has gotten the hang flying Blue, and Lance is a good right hand.” His tone was clinical, empty, but Shiro didn’t catch it because he was too wrapped up in his own head.  _

 

_ Shiro would later wonder what else he’d missed, the small cues from Keith that he used to be so good at reading.  _

 

_ “Keith,” Shiro tried again. “You could be an amazing leader.”  _

 

_ Keith’s shoulders tensed, and Shiro knew that he’d pushed him too far. “I don’t want to lead, Shiro!” he snapped. “You said we all have our place? Flying the Black Lion is yours, not mine. I never wanted that.”  _

 

_ Shiro opened his mouth to argue, but Keith didn’t let him. “I’m going, Shiro, okay? The team doesn’t need me.”  _

 

_ Shiro shut his mouth and moved out of the doorway so that Keith could stalk out of it. Keith’s expression was blank other than the small downturn of his brows that hinted that he was upset. He was gone, nothing but his retreating back left for Shiro to see.  _

 

“Shiro? What do you think about that?” Allura asked, dragging him back to reality. 

 

“We didn’t tell him he was wanted,” Shiro mumbled, the realization hitting him like a truck. 

 

“What?” Allura frowned at him, and the ambassador they were in talks with shot him a quizzical look. 

 

Shiro shook his head to clear it. “Ah, my apologies.”  He forced himself to focus, but his heart felt like lead the rest of the day. 

 

Matt found him later in Keith’s room, staring at just how empty it was. Sure, Shiro had watched him pack, but he’d been certain that Keith would have left at least something behind, something Shiro could hang onto. But no, even Keith’s favorite red jacket was absent. Shiro couldn’t imagine that Keith had any opportunity to wear it working with the Blades, but he’d taken it anyway. Keith never intended to come back. 

 

“How are you holding up?” Matt’s quiet voice made Shiro jump. 

 

He turned to find his old friend in the doorway, watching him with weary eyes. Shiro felt like Matt could see right through him, even better than Pidge could. He shrugged, unable to come up with even a decent deflection. Matt approached him slowly and placed a firm hand on Shiro’s arm. 

 

“Matt, I miss him so much,” Shiro choked out. 

 

Matt’s mouth pressed into a thin line and he tugged Shiro into a fierce hug. It was almost comical, the difference in size between them, but Matt was practically holding Shiro up. 

 

“It’s my fault, I pushed him away, Matt. He didn’t want to lead, and I forced it,” Shiro said into Matt’s shoulder. 

 

“Shiro, you can’t blame yourself for his death. He was doing what he thought was right, and he was doing good work for the Blades,” Matt protested. Matt would know, the rebels had coordinated on occasion with the Blades. And while Keith had avoided returning to the castle, he hadn’t avoided Matt. 

 

“Matt, I failed him. I was so wrapped up in my own head that I missed all the signs,” Shiro argued, and Matt pulled back so that he could look at him. 

 

Shiro’s face was flushed and his eyes glinted. Matt waited apprehensively for whatever Shiro thought he was to blame for. 

 

“You know Keith, Matt. He’s never had a place in this world. And I kept telling him that the team needed him, but that wasn’t what he needed to hear…” Shiro said, frustrated with himself. 

 

Matt frowned, catching on because while he didn’t know Keith as well as Shiro, he knew enough. “He needed to hear that he was wanted…” Matt murmured. 

 

Shiro gave a pained nod. “There were so many signs, Matt. He pulled away from us, and I think part of it was because of me. He wanted me to be able to pilot the Black Lion again, but I think he also didn’t feel like he was wanted here anymore.” 

 

Matt scrubbed a hand over his face. “Oh Keith…” 

 

Shiro sank down on the edge of Keith’s bed and buried his face in his hands. “Do you ever wonder what happened to him when we went missing? He got kicked out of the Garrison, but beyond that and looking for the Blue Lion, he didn’t talk about it.” 

 

Matt’s expression shuttered. He felt that he knew all too well what had happened, but now was not the time to explain to Shiro just how much Keith had loved him. It would only make things worse. Maybe someday it would be a comfort, but right now Matt was sure that Shiro would smother himself in ‘what ifs.’ 

 

Shiro looked up when Matt had been silent too long. “What?” he said, brows furrowing. “You never thought about that?”

 

Matt sighed internally, because no Shiro, most people don’t think about Keith half as much as you do. “No, it hadn’t occurred to me,” Matt lied. Why those two had never stopped tiptoeing around each other, Matt would never know. But he suspected that they were both so terrified of losing each other, that they’d lost out on an even greater love. It made Matt tired and sad to think about. 

 

“How is Pidge?” Shiro asked, shifting the attention away from himself. Typical.

 

Matt let him for now. “She’s coping. She and Keith were closer than I’d thought. Not as close as you of course, but I think when you were gone they became good friends.” 

 

Shiro considered this information. “I put him through a lot, didn’t I? And he still always had my back. Ever since the Garrison, he never stopped being there for me.” 

 

Matt lifted his shoulders in a half-hearted shrug. “Shiro, I don’t need to tell you how much Keith cared about you.” 

 

Shiro ducked his head, “I didn’t deserve it.” 

 

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Matt shook his head. “Shiro, please don’t start with that. You were so many good things for Keith, and with you I think he finally he had a home.” 

 

Tears leaked from the corners of Shiro’s eyes and Matt sank down on the bed beside him to wait it out, his arm thrown over Shiro’s broad shoulders. 

 

***

  
The memorial service was nothing short of torture. The loss was fresh all over again for the paladins, and it was a slap in the face for Shiro. He suffered through it with his jaw clenched, refusing to speak unless spoken to. Kolivan made an appearance with a few Blades that Shiro vaguely recognized. 

 

“Shiro,” Kolivan acknowledged with a polite dip of his head. 

 

He looked tired to Shiro in a way he never had before, and Shiro realized that Kolivan was mourning as well. Kolivan, who had seen Keith last. 

 

“You cared about him,” Shiro said, his voice cracking slightly. 

 

Kolivan’s gaze was intense, but it softened. “Yes. He was a prickly kit, but we loved him dearly.” Behind him, his fellow Blades nodded their agreement. 

 

“Did he… did he like it with the Blades?” Shiro asked, and hated himself for it. 

 

It felt like Kolivan was looking straight into his soul, and he resisted the urge to fidget. 

 

“He did well with us, but it was never truly his home.” Kolivan took a long time choosing his next words. “He missed you,”  Kolivan said finally, and left it at that. He strode off before Shiro could recover himself. 

 

That was fine, because Shiro felt like his tethers had been cut. Keith had missed him, yet he’d never come back to the castle to visit. Was it because he felt like he couldn’t? Shiro wasn’t allowed to think on it any longer because Allura tried to push him into saying a word or two about Keith. Shiro planted his feet and downright refused, to Allura’s shock. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, talk about Keith in front of these people. Not even in front of the team. 

 

Resigned, Matt took over the duty, speaking quietly about the bright-eyed Garrison recruit, and the paladin who would have flown into a shield to save them all. Keith, a quiet young man with a fierce determination to protect his friends and do what was right. Shiro could only take so much, and slipped away, retreating to Red’s hangar. He stood at her feet, gazing up at the lion that always had his back. She was surprisingly quiet, and had been since they’d found out about Keith’s death. It struck Shiro as strange, considering the lengths that Red had gone to save Keith in the past. But perhaps she was bonded to Lance now, and she’d let Keith go. 

 

“Do you miss him?” he asked the lion, but she was silent. 

 

Black brushed the back of his mind, calling and comforting, and Shiro went obediently. Matt found him there, napping restlessly in the cockpit, a few hours later. 

 

***

 

A month passed, and then another, at least as far as Shiro could approximate. Time was difficult in space. He learned to live with the hollowness in his chest. It was there always, a constant ache that quickly became his companion. A reminder that Keith had existed, that the gentle touches Shiro couldn’t forget were real. 

 

Shiro did what he could. He lead the team, flew Black, stood at Allura’s side during diplomatic meetings, ate meals with his fellow paladins, and sometimes, he even slept. Only sometimes though. He’d never been good at sleeping even before Keith died, but now his dreams were haunted by purple eyes and guilt that competed with his heartbreak. Shiro felt like a shell, and the other paladins read it on him despite his best attempts to hide it. Allura and Coran tried to talk to him, but he firmly told them he was fine. Doubt shone in Allura’s eyes, but she left him be. 

 

Matt, and occasionally Pidge, were the only ones that could stir emotion out of him anymore. Matt was busy with the rebels, but he visited when he could. Shiro had a love/hate relationship with those visits. Matt was a comfort because he knew the truth about the feelings that Shiro refused to voice, but he also pushed Shiro to keep on living. 

 

It was one of those instances that tipped Shiro over an edge he didn’t know existed. They stood at the feet of the Black Lion, where Matt had cornered him. 

 

“Keith would want you to keep living, Shiro. He would be so upset if he knew this was what you were doing,” Matt said wearily, and with desperation. 

 

Shiro tensed, and he glared at Matt. “Don’t. Don’t even go there Matthew Holt, I swear to god,” he snapped. 

 

Matt stared at him for a long moment. Defeat made him slump, and Matt turned on his heel, departing without another word. 

 

Shiro closed his eyes and resigned himself to another sleepless night. Matt didn’t deserve that, and he was right in ways that Shiro couldn’t admit to himself. 

 

“You probably would yell at me, wouldn’t you,” Shiro murmured to himself. 

 

Black’s presence brushed against his mind, concerned. 

 

Shiro sighed. “Maybe one day,” he told the lion. One day he’d be okay. Maybe.  

 

***

 

“Shiro?” 

 

Pidge’s voice shook him out of his doze. He was leaning against the wall, and hadn’t even realized that his exhaustion had stolen over him when he wasn’t paying attention. He blinked down at her, settling back into his numb state. She gazed back at him, brown eyes glinting. The look said ‘I miss him too,’ and Shiro had to avert his gaze. 

 

“What did you need, Pidge?” he asked, shaking himself. Regardless of how broken he felt, he still did his best to look out for his fellow paladins. 

 

She frowned behind her glasses. “Kolivan sent a message. He said he’d be arriving in a dobosh, and that he’d like us all to gather to meet him.” 

 

Shiro had no idea what to do with that information. “That’s… cryptic, even for Kolivan.” 

 

Pidge shrugged. “You might as well come along now, he should be here soon, whatever this is about.” 

 

Shiro nodded, and allowed her to take the lead. Kolivan had been gone for quite a while, and all their recent interactions with the Blade had been with his second, who’d refused to divulge where he’d gone. Presumably he was on a mission, but why it couldn’t be shared with his allies, Shiro couldn’t fathom.

 

***

 

Kolivan cradled the precious burden to his chest, refusing to hand it off to any other. A cut bled sluggishly on his face and he ignored the Blade that offered to clean it. He had something to attend to first, even before he worried about a healing pod for his burden. Neither of them were any danger of dying, and he’d kept some people waiting far too long. Kolivan had anticipated that the mission would be challenging, but it’d gone far longer than he’d planned for. 

 

Kolivan couldn’t regret it. He couldn’t regret anything he’d done, especially when they’d almost failed. Today, he could live with the outcome. 

 

***

 

Shiro tried not to dread Kolivan’s visit as they waited on the bridge. It was unreasonable. All the people he had left to lose were in this room, waiting as anxiously as he was. Pidge had glued herself to his side, and hung onto his arm like it was a life line. He let her, the weight was reassuring. Hunk and Lance stood close together, and Allura was in her usual place at the control panels, expression drawn. 

 

Footsteps and hushed voices announced Kolivan’s arrival. At first Shiro was confused, as he he only saw Kolivan, until he realized that Kolivan was carrying something. Or rather, someone. 

 

“Kolivan, put me  _ down _ ,” a too familiar voice hissed irritably. 

 

“Kit,” Kolivan protested, but did as he was asked. 

 

The battered figure staggered for a moment, but when it regained its balance, Shiro found himself staring into purple eyes. 

 

The world stopped. 

 

Shiro was sure he was seeing things; his desire manifested. In the background, the other paladins gasped, and Pidge’s grip on his arm became painful. And then, she shoved him. 

 

“Go get him!” she urged, and Shiro stumbled forward as he obeyed.  

 

There was no hesitation as he gathered Keith to him and buried his face in Keith’s neck. A sob found its way out of the vault in his chest, wrecking the floodgates on the way. Keith was stunned for a moment, and his arms went around Shiro. 

 

“Shiro, hey, it’s okay,” Keith said helplessly, looking to Kolivan.

 

Shiro didn’t answer, but he shook in Keith’s arms, so Keith held on as tightly as his waning strength allowed. 

 

Lance asked the question they were all thinking. “Either I’m seeing a ghost, or you lied to us Kolivan. Care to explain?” 

 

Keith was equally as confused. “A ghost?” he said, moving a hand to card his fingers soothingly through Shiro’s hair. They were slowly sinking toward the floor, and Keith let his legs fold as Shiro pulled him down and held on. 

 

Kolivan was spent. “I told them you were dead, kit,” Kolivan said, and ignored the noise that Keith made in response. “It was the only way to protect you, and them.” 

 

He directed his gaze to Allura, the highest functioning authority in the room. “Keith was in deep on a mission that I was unsure of my ability to retrieve him from. If I had told you, you would have gone in guns blazing and gotten both yourselves, and Keith killed.” Kolivan sighed deeply. “I went in for him myself, but it still took time. We were lucky.” 

 

Allura didn’t know how to do anything but nod. Slowly, cautiously, the rest of the paladins approached. Pidge was first, and she squeezed Keith’s shoulder, smiling through her tears. 

 

“I’m so glad you’re not dead,” she said. 

 

Keith gave her a tired smile over Shiro’s head. “Yeah I’m pretty glad about that too.” 

 

Hunk looked like he wanted to pick Keith up and squish him, but refrained, swiping tears from his eyes. “You look like you need a proper meal,” Hunk said, distraught by how thin Keith was. 

 

Keith figured he wasn’t wrong. Lance stared him down, but was the first to break. “I missed you,” Lance sniffed. 

 

Keith’s eyes widened fractionally. “I missed you too?” he managed, dumbstruck. 

 

Allura gently ushered them away, pausing to lay her hand on top of Keith’s head. She exchanged glances with Kolivan, and they seemed to come to an agreement. 

 

“Shiro?” she said softly, and he lifted his head blearily. Keith watched him raptly, hungry eyes drinking in every new worry line. 

 

“Do you think you can manage to get Keith to your room? I’ll bring some stuff down and we can get him cleaned up,” Allura continued. 

 

Shiro nodded mutely and got to his feet, taking Keith with him. Unlike with Kolivan, Keith didn’t protest being held. Their walk down to Shiro’s room was silent, Keith was content to listen to the thrum of Shiro’s heart beneath his ear. Shiro set him down carefully on the bed, seeming to note the various injuries that smattered Keith’s torso. Keith ignored them in favor of watching Shiro. 

 

Allura appeared with the bandages, but after taking one glance at Shiro, she handed them over and disappeared again. Keith watched her go, and focused on Shiro the moment the door closed behind her.

 

“Shiro?” he ventured, holding still as Shiro tugged down the top half of his Blade suit to get a better look at his injuries. 

 

Shiro’s expression was a picture of turmoil, and Keith couldn’t understand the guilt he recognized there. 

 

“Keith…” Shiro rasped, and Keith flinched from the pain that resounded in his name. “Keith I’m sorry I let you go. I’m so sorry.” 

 

Keith frowned and reached out, cupping Shiro’s cheek in his palm. “I forgave you for that a long time ago, Shiro. Not that there was anything to forgive really. Don’t tell me you’ve been beating yourself up over that?” 

 

The frown deepened when Shiro resolutely kept working on bandaging him up, and didn’t answer. 

 

“Shiro… what have you been doing while I’ve been gone?” Gone was a far gentler word than ‘presumed dead.’

 

Shiro gave a half hearted shrug that in many ways summed up the way he’d been going through life lately. 

 

Keith felt as if someone had shoved a knife into his chest. He pried the wet cloth out of Shiro’s hand and scooted back on the bed, taking a hold of Shiro’s wrist and leveraging until Shiro joined him on the bed. Keith wrapped himself around Shiro without a thought to the various cuts and bruises that covered him. Or the rib that he was sure was cracked at the very least. 

 

“Takashi,” he whispered, the name shared on a quiet night under the stars with the best friend of the Kerberos mission pilot. Shiro shuddered. “Takashi I’m alive, I’m okay.” 

 

“I thought you were  _ dead _ Keith,” Shiro said into Keith’s chest. “Dead, and I didn’t even…” he broke off. 

 

Keith was quiet, drifting mentally to a year spent in the desert mourning a love that hadn’t even existed. Ah. How things had come full circle. Keith had spent time in Galra captivity, and Shiro had lived thinking Keith was dead. What broken, jagged creatures they were. 

 

Keith pressed his lips against Shiro’s forehead, too tired to mind the laws dictating platonic gestures between friends. 

 

“Keith,” Shiro said, leaning back so that he could meet Keith’s eyes. “I don’t want to die regretting not telling you this.” 

 

Keith was both startled and concerned, but he didn’t interrupt. Shiro was on the verge of something, and even if Keith didn’t understand, he knew Shiro well enough to let him get it off his chest. 

 

“I love you, Keith. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by putting it out there, but I can’t… I can’t hold it back any longer,” Shiro said, head dipping in defeat. 

 

“I love you too, Takashi. I’ve loved you for a very long time,” Keith whispered, fingers on Shiro’s chin to bring their eyes level. 

 

Shiro’s breath caught and for a moment Keith was concerned that he wasn’t breathing at all. A sob ripped its way out of Shiro, and Keith held him as Shiro let go of the last few months of agony. Keith rested his cheek on the top of Shiro’s head and murmured quiet reassurances, but it was the touch; the physical contact that helped the most. 

 

The room was quiet beyond the sounds of Shiro slowly regaining control of his heart rate. Keith took the time to sort out his own emotions. Two months in the hands of the Galra paled in comparison to Shiro’s year, but it left its mark, physically and mentally. Some part of him felt irreparably tired, a sentiment he’d long ago grown used to seeing on Shiro’s face. Never so obvious that the rest of the team recognized it, but Keith was intimately familiar with way Shiro expressed himself. He knew where to look to find the small things Shiro didn’t say. He didn’t have to look hard now though. Every feeling Shiro had felt since Keith had been gone was etched in plain view. 

 

Keith had no idea how he’d been so blind as to miss the way Shiro felt about him. It was so evident in the way that Shiro looked at him now that it must have been there all along. Keith was not surprised that Shiro hadn’t noticed Keith’s feelings on the matter. Keith had been so careful to hide them, even at the Garrison. It’d become harder when he got Shiro back the first time, and near impossible the second. Every inch of him had screamed to hold Shiro close and protect him. 

 

Keith’s head hurt from trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Shiro  _ loved _ him. In his arms Shiro stirred from where he’d buried his face in Keith’s chest. Keith let him go, jaw set against the way his injuries pulled with the motion. 

 

“I should finish patching you up,” Shiro mused. 

 

Keith sat still as the other man finished what he’d started before. Shiro was calmer, his gray eyes tired and red, but not filled with the guilt Keith had seen earlier. It eased some of the worry that Keith had been harboring, and it seemed that perhaps they both would be okay someday. Keith grimaced as Shiro’s fingers lightly brushed the rib he was sure was cracked. 

 

“How bad?” Shiro asked, breaking the silence that had settled over them. 

 

“Could be worse,” Keith gritted, and realizing that he probably owed Shiro his complete honesty, added, “Probably cracked, though could be broken.” 

 

“You want to go in a pod? There’s nothing else to be done for that,” Shiro remarked, and Keith could hear the reluctance in his voice. Shiro was unwilling to let go of Keith so soon. 

 

“I’m not going in a pod,” Keith said evenly, and directed his attention to easing out of the rest of his Blade suit, leaving him with just his boxers. His legs were mottled with dark bruises in various stages of healing. 

 

Shiro pressed his lips together unhappily and got off the bed to retrieve one of his shirts for Keith to wear, as all of Keith’s few possessions were still at the Blades’ base. Keith let Shiro help him into the soft tee, his limbs were far too heavy for the job. It was only by sheer willpower that he was still conscious. The shirt was comically large on him, but it smelled of Shiro. 

 

“We have a lot we need to talk about,” Keith said quietly, regarding Shiro seriously. 

 

Gentle fingers ran through Keith’s hair just above his ear. “After you rest,” Shiro murmured. “Do you want me to take you to your room?”

 

“No?” Keith answered, and pointedly settled himself on the side without the cracked rib, leaving Shiro space on the bed. 

 

Shiro didn’t argue and climbed into bed beside Keith, hesitating a moment before leaving a gap between them. 

 

“Come hereeeee,” Keith whined, reaching a hand back to find the front of Shiro’s shirt. He got a nice handful of it and tugged until Shiro’s chest was pressed up against his back. 

 

Keith felt the tension ease out of Shiro, and Shiro nestled his face against Keith’s shoulder blade. Keith thought he might die from how happy the sensation made him feel, and he took a long moment to commit it to memory.

 

“You okay?” Keith asked softly. 

 

“I will be,” Shiro murmured. 

 

Keith twisted around so that he could face Shiro. “I’m not going anywhere,” he promised, brushing feather light fingers down Shiro’s cheek. 

 

Shiro wriggled closer, seeking the warm comfort of Keith. Needy, he touched his nose to Keith’s, just a sliver of space between them. 

 

“Can I?” Shiro whispered, and Keith turned his chin up in answer. 

 

Their lips met: Shiro’s soft and warm, Keith’s chapped but seeking. Something uncurled in Keith’s chest that had been waiting, waiting for this moment. It was a homecoming to kiss the lips of the person Keith had hung the moon on. Shiro started to pull back, intending to keep the kiss brief, but Keith wasn’t having it and chased after him, ending up practically on top of Shiro. Shiro was helpless when it came to telling Keith no, and parted his lips so that their tongues could brush in a way that sent heat shooting down his spine. A soft whimper escaped Keith and Shiro let him have a moment or too more before he gently eased Keith off, worried about his battered ribs. Keith would have preferred to keep kissing Shiro, but Shiro was firm in not aggravating Keith’s injuries. 

 

Resigned, Keith draped himself over Shiro, head on his chest and settled one leg snugly between Shiro’s legs. It was like having a Keith-blanket. Shiro’s arms settled around him and they were touching in as many places as they could possibly manage. Keith wasn’t sure who was more touch-starved, him or Shiro, but he drew on Shiro’s touch like it was the only thing keeping him alive. 

 

Shiro was exhausted, possibly even more so than Keith, after months of little sleep. When Keith peeked an eye open a little while later to check on him, Shiro was out cold, his chest rising and falling evenly beneath Keith. Keith’s ribs ached fiercely from the way he was lying, but he refused to move and risk waking Shiro. He knew that Shiro had problems sleeping ordinarily, and had an unhappy inclination that it was probably worse when Shiro thought he was dead. Keith didn’t have the energy to fret over it now though. Just keeping his eyes open was a strain. 

 

He took a deep breath, and then Keith closed his eyes and slept. 

 

***

 

Shiro had been sleeping better than he had in a long time, the comfortable weight of Keith keeping him grounded. It was strange to wake up from someone else’s night terror rather than his own. Keith was next to him now, having rolled off in his failing. Shiro reached for him, quietly murmuring his name and stroking Keith’s hair as the younger man trembled. 

 

“You’re okay,” Shiro whispered, his human hand making long, soothing strokes down Keith’s back. The horrible thought struck him that Keith had spent time in Galra captivity, and had probably suffered in ways similar to Shiro. The urge to hold Keith was overwhelming and Shiro reached out, drawing Keith into his lap. Keith finally stopped thrashing as Shiro cradled him to his chest. Shiro waited, nose buried in Keith’s dark hair, until Keith’s breathing evened out and dark lashes fluttered. 

 

“Hey,” Keith mumbled, turning his cheek into Shiro’s pec. 

 

“Hey yourself,” Shiro said quietly. “Bad dreams?” 

 

Keith nodded mutely, letting out a soft sigh as Shiro ran gentle fingers through his hair. 

 

“I understand now…” Keith said tiredly, and the words were a hundred small cuts to Shiro’s heart. 

 

Keith, his brave and quiet love, should never have had to go through what Shiro had. Shiro pressed a kiss to Keith’s forehead, smoothing his hair back. 

 

“We’ll get through it together,” Shiro promised him. 

 

“Yeah, we will,” Keith agreed. “Go back to sleep, Shiro.” 

 

***

 

“He has to let him go sometime,” Lance griped quietly to Pidge. 

 

She was leaning against his chair as the pair of them watched Shiro and Keith from across the room. Shiro had yet to take a hand off of Keith, who seemed to lean into his touch as if it kept him upright. Keith looked like hell, so maybe it did. 

 

“It’s not gonna be anytime soon Lance,” Pidge told him, fiddling with her glasses. “You saw how Shiro was, and Keith was a Galra captive for two months, of course they’re going to latch on to each other.” 

 

Lance’s frowned darkly as he considered the shell that Shiro had become after Kolivan had announced Keith’s death. It had been painful to watch, and it was astounding to see the light back in Shiro’s eyes as he conversed quietly with Keith. They’d all secretly feared that Shiro would never recover from the loss.

 

“What is the deal with them, anyway?” Lance asked Pidge. She was close with Keith, and Matt was closer with Shiro. Surely she had an idea. 

 

Pidge pursed her lips. “Matt thinks they’ve been in love since the Garrison,” she admitted, keeping her voice low. 

 

“They knew each other at the Garrison?” Lance said, startled. It’d been obvious from the beginning that Keith and Shiro knew each other, but Lance had never considered that they might have spent time together at the Garrison. 

 

Pidge nodded, her gaze distant. “He, Shiro, and Matt were good friends before the other two left for Kerberos. Matt used to gripe all the time about them being blind, but I didn’t understand at the time what he meant.” 

 

“Is Matt coming to visit soon, since Keith is you know, alive?” Lance said, again watching the pair curiously. 

 

“Yeah, he’ll be here soon. It was hard for him watching Shiro spiral,” Pidge murmured. 

 

Lance huffed to himself, and resigned himself to have to wait for some time with Keith. 

 

***

 

“Shiro, we really need you in this meeting,” Allura wheedled. 

 

Keith was tucked under Shiro’s arm, leaning into Shiro’s rock solid torso. “You should go,” Keith told him quietly. 

 

Shiro frowned unhappily, tightening his grip on Keith.

 

“I won’t disappear, I promise,” Keith reassured him. Shiro hadn’t let Keith out of his sight since Kolivan had set him down. It was endearing to Keith, but frustrating for the rest of the team, who had things they needed to accomplish. 

 

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” Pidge offered when Shiro still hesitated. They needed him in this diplomatic meeting with Allura and some of the rebel leaders. 

 

Shiro reluctantly released Keith after pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Keith smiled up at him, and allowed Pidge to claim a hold on his forearm. Allura led Shiro away, and Pidge squinted up at Keith. 

 

“How are you feeling?” she asked bluntly. 

 

Keith shifted his weight, gauging her mood. “I hurt like hell,” he admitted, deciding that he was better off being truthful with her. Pidge had a knack for knowing when he lied to her.

 

“You could get in a healing pod you know,” she chided him, knowing full well he wouldn’t do it. Keith had always had something against the healing pods; they could only get him in one when he was unconscious, or too far gone to realize what was happening. 

 

Keith wrinkled his nose. “It’s not that bad Pidge. And besides, if I’m in a healing pod, I can’t keep an eye on Shiro.” 

 

Pidge arched an eyebrow at him. “Shiro isn’t the one who just came back from the dead,” she pointed out mildly. She glanced down at her communicator, skimming the incoming message from Matt. He’d be here shortly, likely before Shiro got back from the meeting. 

 

Keith’s brows pulled into a worried frown. “Most of my injuries are physical,” Keith disagreed, and Pidge took that ‘most’ as a small admission to be processed later. 

 

They walked down the hallway at an easy pace, Pidge forcibly keeping Keith from doing his normal power walk. She wondered how Keith knew so easily that Shiro needed him, and needed to be supported. But then, Keith had always known. 

 

“How bad…. How bad was it when he found out?” Keith asked, his voice hushed. 

 

Pidge winced, averting her gaze. “You should ask Matt about that, he was the only one Shiro would really talk to.” 

 

Keith’s eyes were downcast, and far too introspective for Pidge’s liking. “I’ll talk to him,” Keith said. He was due for a talk with Matt anyhow. 

 

They walked on in silence, eventually ending up on the couches in the lounge, which is where Matt found them. Pidge was distracting Keith with something on her computer. 

 

“Hey Katie,” Matt greeted casually, and she jumped up, throwing her arms around him in an enthusiastic hug. 

 

Keith got up more slowly, allowing the siblings a moment before meeting Matt’s eyes over Pidge’s shoulder. 

 

“Keith,” Matt said quietly, and let Pidge go so that he can give Keith a careful hug. “You have no idea how glad I am to see you.” 

 

Keith gave a wane smile as he stepped back out of Matt’s grasp. “It’s nice to be alive,” he murmured, and leveled Matt with serious purple eyes. “Can we talk?” 

 

Matt glanced at Pidge, and she nodded, clearly knowing what this was about. 

 

“I promised Shiro I would stay with him, but you’re equally acceptable,” Pidge said. “I’ll let you guys know when they get back.” 

 

“Thanks Katie,” Matt ruffled her hair gently before she departed, likely to her lab. 

 

Keith was silent for a long moment. “How bad?” he asked finally. 

 

Matt rubbed a hand over his face and they both sank down onto the couch. “Not… not good,” Matt admitted. “He was… well...” Matt scrunched his face up, searching the words. “Hollow? I think that’s the word I’m looking for. He was on autopilot and I’m fairly certain he didn’t sleep.” 

 

Keith’s expression was shattered and Matt sighed. “He wouldn’t have an actual conversation with anyone, it was just enough for him to continue leading Voltron.” 

 

Keith closed his eyes. “Oh god…” he murmured. “I’m sorry Matt.” 

 

Matt frowned and reached over to squeeze Keith’s shoulder. “What are you apologizing for? You were literally in Galra captivity. We should be apologizing to you.” 

 

“I should have been there for him. I can’t believe that he fell apart because of me,” Keith said brokenly. 

 

Matt made an exasperated noise. “He loves you, idiot!” 

 

Keith’s smile was sharp. “I know. I don’t understand why, but I know.” 

 

Matt blinked slowly. “When...?” 

 

“When Kolivan brought me back.” Keith fiddled with the cuff of his jacket, unwilling to share any further details. 

 

“He’s never letting go of you again,” Matt muttered. “It took long enough. I thought I was gonna puke if I had to watch the two of you pine any longer.” 

 

Keith raised an unimpressed eyebrow to hide his discomfort over the fact that his yearning for Shiro was so obvious. 

 

Matt waved a hand at him, “Oh no, don’t you give me that eyebrow. I remember it all very clearly.” 

 

_ Matt sat beside Shiro in the cafeteria, watching Keith’s retreating back as the younger cadet went to snag some more food.  _

 

_ “What’s he going to do while we’re gone?” Matt wondered, and Shiro stiffened beside him.  _

 

_ “He’ll be fine,” Shiro said levelly, refusing to meet Matt’s insistent gaze.  _

 

_ “He doesn’t speak to anyone besides you and me!” Matt protested.  _

 

_ It wasn’t meant to be mean, that’s just how it was. And really, Keith spoke to Shiro mostly. Matt had slowly wheedled his way into quiet conversations with Keith when Shiro was busy, but Matt knew who Keith’s heart beat for. They bickered at times, but Matt had earned Keith’s tentative trust. Even if it had taken a while to do.  _

 

_ “Matt,” Shiro said, pained.  _

 

_ Matt glared at him, opening his mouth to give Shiro another lecture about pining after Keith, but the boy himself was returning to their table. Matt could pinpoint the moment that Keith realized something was up. Those odd purple eyes glinted beneath furrowed brows as he looked between Matt and Shiro.  _

 

_ Shiro, who was even more perceptive of Keith’s moods than Matt, offered Keith a smile. “Was there nothing good left?” _

 

_ Keith, blunt as always, ignored the question and asked, “Is everything okay?”  _

 

_ Shiro scrambled for a moment, before coming up with a passable response. “Yeah of course, Matt and I were just talking about going up on the roof tonight. Wanna come?”  _

 

_ Keith nodded and sank back down into his spot at the table next to Shiro. Matt took pity on the both of them and dragged them into a debate over the Garrison’s latest gossip. He still caught Keith watching Shiro unhappily, and the thought of them circling each other for eternity made his head ache.  _

 

“Matt,” Keith said, snapping the older Holt out of his reverie. 

 

“Hmmmm?” Matt hummed. 

 

Keith opened his mouth like he had something he wanted to say, and then seemed to think better of it. 

 

“Keith?” Matt said suddenly. 

 

“Yeah?” Keith answered, disconcerted. 

 

“Take care of him… please. Leave the Blades if you have to. Just.. stay with him. There’s so much healing that the two of you can only accomplish together,” Matt said quietly, staring at a spot on the floor. He didn’t say that he was afraid that if they separated again, there would be too many pieces to put back together.

 

Matt was tired. Not as tired as Shiro, and maybe not as tired as Keith, but he’d seen war and all he wanted was for his friends to be okay. Neither were anywhere near okay right now, and Matt struggled with being helpless to do anything for them. 

 

Keith let out a quiet breath, drawing Matt’s attention. “I won’t leave him again,” Keith promised.

 

There was nothing to say to that, so Matt nodded. The quiet developed into an innocent conversation about some of the rebel ships, and when Shiro returned he found them debating power over maneuverability and speed. 

 

Matt said nothing as Shiro gathered Keith into his arms and held him close. Getting to his feet, Matt caught the eye of the dignitary that had followed Shiro down a second too late.

 

“Is this why you were so distracted during the meeting? Over a ratty Blade?” the dignitary sniped, and Matt winced. 

 

It was a toss up as to who would do the honors of telling them to kindly buzz off, but Keith got there first. He pulled out of Shiro’s arms and stood in front of the larger man, arms crossed and eyes flashing. Matt thought he looked particularly dangerous with the fresh bruise marking his jaw. 

 

“I’m going to give you one chance to mind your own business walk out of this room,” Keith gritted out, barely managing to keep a polite tone. 

 

The dignitary opened their mouth and Matt gestured frantically as Keith took a threatening step forward. The dignitary huffed and stalked off before Keith could fully lose his handle on his temper. 

 

Shiro blinked, and for a moment Keith was replaced by a younger, wild-haired cadet ready to fight whoever had accused Shiro of cheating in the simulator. Another blink and the taller, harder young adult was back, turning concerned eyes on Shiro. It was ridiculous really. Keith had spent how long in a Galra captivity, an experience that Shiro knew first hand to be traumatic, and still his first instinct was to check that Shiro was okay. To protect him.  

 

“I’m fine,” he reassured Keith, setting a hand on Keith’s hip. 

 

There was a new freedom between them with both touches and words, and Shiro took advantage of it whenever he could. Keith seemed to thrive off of it almost as much as Shiro did. 

 

Matt sighed deeply. “We should probably go upstairs before he goes telling everyone that Shiro’s midget boyfriend threatened his life.” 

 

“Midget?!” Keith protested. 

 

“Boyfriend?” Shiro said, stunned. 

 

Matt smirked at Keith before turning a disbelieving look on Shiro. “How is he not your boyfriend? Did you, or did you not tell him you loved him?” 

 

Shiro floundered and Matt snorted. “See, boyfriend. Finally, might I add. Now let’s get going before Allura loses her temper.” 

 

They were, in fact, too late to keep Allura from losing her temper. It wasn’t their fault though, she was busily informing the dignitary in the politest tone she could manage through gritted teeth, that the paladins of Voltron were entitled to interpersonal relationships. They were, after all,  _ people.  _

 

Keith lead the way onto the bridge, with Shiro just behind and Matt hiding behind the both of them. Allura in a temper was something Matt had a healthy respect for. They waited until the dignitary departed before approaching her. 

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have threatened him,” Keith apologized sheepishly. 

 

Allura, for all that she looked harried, managed a gentle smile for him. “You were defending Shiro, yes? Then don’t worry about it. Our allies tend to forget that the paladins of Voltron are in fact people, and not limitless deities. It doesn’t hurt to remind them every once and a while.” 

 

Matt decided it was safe, and stepped around to offer Allura one of his lazy smiles. “You should have seen it. Beat to hell Keith protecting his beefy boyfriend from insults is a beautiful thing.” 

 

Shiro reached over and shoved Matt for the beefy comment. Keith just rolled his eyes, pretending he didn’t see Allura’s curious look over the boyfriend comment. She was courteous and didn’t pry, keeping her secret pleasure over development to herself. It was high time the two of them figured it out, and high time Shiro let Keith soothe the old wounds that marked both of them. 

 

“I think we’re done up here if you want gather the rest of the paladins and have a meal together,” Allura suggested. 

 

Matt lit up at the prospect of some of Hunk’s cooking, and the three friends made their way to round up the rest of the group. With Keith on one side, claiming his hand, and Matt on the other, Shiro felt more stable than he had in far too long. 

 

***

 

Shiro let Keith use his chest as a pillow when they sprawled out on the floor of the observation deck. It was dim, most of the light coming from the stars that gleamed outside the safety of the castle. 

 

“I used to watch the skies and pretend I could pick out Kerberos,” Keith said into the stillness, startling Shiro. 

 

“Huh. I was always looking back towards Earth,” Shiro mused. “Space was, is, amazing, but…” 

 

Keith turned his head, tilting his chin up so that his nose brushed Shiro’s jaw. “I know Matt thinks we’re, ah, boyfriends, but if that’s not what you want it’s okay,” Keith murmured. It might destroy him just a little bit if Shiro said no, but Keith wanted Shiro to be happy. 

 

“I don’t think I’ve wanted anything more, honestly,” Shiro confessed, his cheeks burning. 

 

Keith’s answering smile was a tangible thing, even if Shiro couldn’t fully see it. “Boyfriends,” Keith whispered, testing how the word rolled off his tongue. 

 

Shiro thought that having Keith as his boyfriend sounded good, amazing even, but he had more permanent plans for the future. Plans he couldn’t help but make now that Keith was safe and warm in his arms. ‘Husbands’ sounded even better than ‘boyfriends.’

 

“Boyfriends,” Shiro confirmed giddily. 

 

“I love you, Takashi,” Keith said, and it was a declaration. 

 

“I love you too, Keith,” Shiro answered, his heart full to bursting. 

 

Shiro had lost hope for his future, but here it was, packaged neatly into the body of his best friend, who held Shiro’s heart in his palms. And held it with all the tenderness in the universe. This was home.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come yell at me on tumblr @carry-a-world, I don't bite... much. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
